Not everyone believes Cristal Taylor, Dirk Nowitzki’s jailed fiancée, is an evil gold-digger, a conniving manipulator or a jersey-chasing whore.
Some open-minded, nonjudgmental people see the 37-year-old former stripper in the proper light: an inspiration, a woman of great strength, an off-the-charts lover.
I came to this realization in Sin City when visiting my good friend, Sabrina Rogers, the celebrated sports writer-turned-backpage columnist for Illustrated Sports. After learning Thursday morning of Cristal Taylor’s 1990s affair with one-time Rams quarterback Tony Banks, Sabrina and I agreed over drinks at the Spearmint Rhino that Taylor’s story would make a fascinating book.
Sabrina is famous for her objective columns on men accused of crimes and trashy sports novels, but now she desperately wants to publish a nonfiction sports book. She’s excited about telling Taylor’s story and has already begun researching.
The book is tentatively titled, “Cristal’s Meth: The Many Methods Cristal Uses to Seduce Wealthy Men.” Based on her early reporting, Sabrina Rogers might be sitting on a bestseller.
“This is a uniquely American story about redemption, overcoming seemingly insurmountable odds and never giving up,” Rogers told me late Thursday night. “What Cristal accomplished at the age of 37 has never really been done. Yeah, Barry Bonds hit 73 homers at 36, but we now know he used performance-enhancing drugs.
“Despite several outstanding warrants, a six-year-old boob job and a face in a knockdown, drag-out fight with Maybelline, Cristal Taylor landed a 30-year-old NBA superstar with an $18 million salary.”
Seriously, this is an incredible story that easily converts to a major-studio movie. Cristal is the Rocky Balboa of strippers and groupies. She was never supposed to get a shot at the title. She stripped in Beaumont, Texas, ripped off a few working stiffs, briefly bedded a mediocre NFL quarterback and then somehow, when everyone assumed her career was over, she sunk her hooks into one of the biggest stars in the NBA.
I called a friend in Hollywood with deep connections in the sports world to get his take.
“A stripper putting up career numbers after she was thought to be well beyond her prime,” said Jim in Hollywood. “A .500 stripper in the twilight of her skank career rises up inexplicably and uses her freakiness to bag a Hall of Famer who is oblivious to the fact she’s been puff-puff passed around like a blunt at Snoop’s NBA All-Star Weekend Las Vegas party. Great movie. I’d love to see it.”
“Cristal’s Meth” is a mainstream blockbuster, not something I want to see on my hotel’s Spectravision adult menu.
Beyonce could play the young Cristal Taylor and Whitney Houston could play Cristal Meth.
“I’ve already reached out to Oliver Stone,” Sabrina Rogers said. “Jamie Foxx did such a good job in ‘Any Given Sunday,’ we agreed he could play Tony Banks. Is Dolph Lundgren too old to play Dirk? I loved Dolph as Ivan Drago in ‘Rocky IV.’”
We’re getting ahead of ourselves. Sabrina needs to write the book first. Cristal’s story must be explained to the American public in proper context. Right now she’s being demonized and ridiculed by members of the media who are sexist and close minded.
“Tony Banks to Dirk Nowitzki is an astonishing rise,” Sabrina explained. “It’s the equivalent of a man dating Joy Bahar in the 1990s and getting engaged to Elisabeth Hasselbeck in the new millennium. If a man pulls that off, he’s a hero and celebrated across the country. He’d probably be invited to the White House.”
But Cristal rots in jail for allegedly kiting checks and other petty crimes. It’s ridiculous.
“She’s basically a political prisoner,” Sabrina complained. “When a man tells every lie in the book to get in our pants, it’s all part of the game. When a woman lies, it’s a crime.”
I agree. And according to Sabrina’s early reporting, Cristal has many supporters. That venerable organization, National United Dancers and Entertainers, awarded Cristal its highest honor, Comeback Playa of the Year.
“Cristal Taylor is an inspiration to all of us,” NUDE spokesman Lexus said in a prepared statement. “She embodies all of the principles we hold dear as entertainers. Never tell a customer your real name. Never spend your own money. And foreigners with limited understanding of American culture make the best boyfriends. Cristal is our 50 Cent. He has the Magic Stick. She has the Magic Rack.”
Lexus added: “Cristal’s capture of an in-his-earning-prime superstar reminds us to never give up on our dream, and that age really is nothing but a number and beauty is truly only in the eye of the beholder. ”
Sabrina said the latter message is the one that resonates most powerfully with women.
“I haven’t seen this much excitement and optimism since Monica Lewinsky revealed her stained dress,” Sabrina said. “Monica shattered the glass ceiling for full-figured women when she shared a cigar with President Clinton. Now I think Cristal is doing that for older groupies.
“Sure, Madonna had her thing with A-Rod, but Madonna is superwealthy. She’s a female Hugh Hefner. She’ll be bedding young studs into her 70s. Cristal is a role model for all those women who wasted their 20s and early 30s chasing undrafted free agents and minor-leaguers. Good things can still happen if you tell the right lies.”
There’s no doubt. You know when Cristal gets sprung from the joint some television network is going to offer her a reality TV show.
Wouldn’t you rather watch “I Love Cristal’s Meth” than “I Love New York”?
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